6/26

In searching to find ourselves, we create and re-condition the self.
The objective is neither to find nor to create a self, but to exit the vortex of self-ness entirely.
We begin by inquiring into the motivation to search, and encountering the orginal observer itself.
We then become aware of the full fiction of persistence and that there is absence at the beginning and the end of the circle.
Only the center survives.

What a strange hall of mirrors, facades, dreams and illusions the sleeping life is- to begin is to be born through water; to awaken is to be re-born of light and emptiness.

6/25

I feel that my reservoir has run empty, right down to the very bottom where nothing but a sludge-like slurry, viscous substance is left- the Dynamic quality has run dry, as surely as hope has. There was a time when I would just make quantum leaps to the extreme of despair or anxiety and hover for a while letting the force of the fury of it all tear at my spirit for a while before floating to the top again a fraction of what I was before. But for all of the trouble and turbulence, suffering and strife that anxiety or depair causes, they are states of energy, even if that energy is maladaptively directed. At some recent time, I lost even my ability to gravitate to such states, the residence was replaced with a haunting numbness that terrifies me when I attain enough distance from it to feel again. This numbness seems an abscence, an emptiness, a nothingness- and I can't imagine what progress I can make in the face of a nothing. It is possible that it is yet another farther stage of my progress out of the spiral of habit-energy that has had me trapped in its gravity well. But the farther along I get, the more I begin to wonder whether I can survive long enough to be free of it.
On or around the fundamental existential spectrum of away and toward, attachment and aversion, there is a holy Third Direction. I just can't see it.

6/24

I am a shimmering bubble within the foam on the crest of a wave waxing and waning, ebbing and flowing, rising and flowing, destined to pass away, returning to the ocean within.

6/23

All of conditioned life is defined by a persistent tension between the opposing furies of obligation and desire- the former imprisons while the later sedates the frustration that the former generates.
Remember the Center and practice Unconditioning.

6/22

It has been such a terribly long time since I have written anything here. It feels such a great injustice considering how valuable writing has been to me as a tool for enhancing self-awareness, and how valuable I feel it is meant to be in the intended unfolding of my future. It is typical of me. Everytime I get close to something resonant, something of value to my opening, I feel the resistance, the habit of contraction begin within me, and within an instant the contraction becomes so severe that by the time it works itself out, I have lost the opportunity I was given, and I have lost another collection of finite moments. I have only recently attained some success in transcending the paralyzing guilt and regret which is inevitably associated with this cycle, and such transcendence is the central component in escaping the gravity well of self-limitation. It is barely conceivable and quite terrifying how strong habit-energy can be. The gravity of our combined habit-energy can in some cases be so strong that one's whole life is pulled apart to the last particle leaving nothing left but a faint trace of what could have been, a dissipating note from a symphony that never was. But I am still here, I am still breathing and moving and having valuable experiences, even making some progress it seems. It just isn't enough, not yet- it isn't enough. There is a point of no return out there somewhere, and I hope that I am not too late.