6/25

I feel that my reservoir has run empty, right down to the very bottom where nothing but a sludge-like slurry, viscous substance is left- the Dynamic quality has run dry, as surely as hope has. There was a time when I would just make quantum leaps to the extreme of despair or anxiety and hover for a while letting the force of the fury of it all tear at my spirit for a while before floating to the top again a fraction of what I was before. But for all of the trouble and turbulence, suffering and strife that anxiety or depair causes, they are states of energy, even if that energy is maladaptively directed. At some recent time, I lost even my ability to gravitate to such states, the residence was replaced with a haunting numbness that terrifies me when I attain enough distance from it to feel again. This numbness seems an abscence, an emptiness, a nothingness- and I can't imagine what progress I can make in the face of a nothing. It is possible that it is yet another farther stage of my progress out of the spiral of habit-energy that has had me trapped in its gravity well. But the farther along I get, the more I begin to wonder whether I can survive long enough to be free of it.
On or around the fundamental existential spectrum of away and toward, attachment and aversion, there is a holy Third Direction. I just can't see it.