6/22

It has been such a terribly long time since I have written anything here. It feels such a great injustice considering how valuable writing has been to me as a tool for enhancing self-awareness, and how valuable I feel it is meant to be in the intended unfolding of my future. It is typical of me. Everytime I get close to something resonant, something of value to my opening, I feel the resistance, the habit of contraction begin within me, and within an instant the contraction becomes so severe that by the time it works itself out, I have lost the opportunity I was given, and I have lost another collection of finite moments. I have only recently attained some success in transcending the paralyzing guilt and regret which is inevitably associated with this cycle, and such transcendence is the central component in escaping the gravity well of self-limitation. It is barely conceivable and quite terrifying how strong habit-energy can be. The gravity of our combined habit-energy can in some cases be so strong that one's whole life is pulled apart to the last particle leaving nothing left but a faint trace of what could have been, a dissipating note from a symphony that never was. But I am still here, I am still breathing and moving and having valuable experiences, even making some progress it seems. It just isn't enough, not yet- it isn't enough. There is a point of no return out there somewhere, and I hope that I am not too late.